Quester Vs. Donkey Kong Jr. Math (NES)

(Donkey Kong Jr. Math, October 1985, Nintendo)

It was bound to happen again someday. Time to review a good old fashioned stinker. Not just any light stinker, oh hell-to-the-fuck no. We're talking a post-Taco Bell chased by black coffee with a Taco Bell for dessert brand of five alarm stinker. Light a candle and say a prayer because here is the unwashed skidmark of the Black Box games, Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Heaven help us.

Let's all share an innocent smile before all Hell breaks loose no? AW!!!

First, a quick overview by what I mean by Black Box since not everyone is keen what it refers to. Allow me. Due to the infamous "Crash of '83", no one was even willing to entertain the thought of selling home game consoles in the foreseeable future. Therefore, Nintendo, steadfast in their resolve to enter American homes, changed the name of the Nintendo Family Computer (Famicom for short, or the Japanese NES) instead to an "entertainment system" before showing it to the CES big wigs of the time. How they actually pulled it off smoothly enough for a launch when it is obviously a game console, I'll never understand. Nonetheless, The Nintendo Entertainment System shipped out in small quantities on October 18, 1985 in selected areas of New York City. On that magical day of the initial launch, there were eighteen titles ready to rock and roll. They all came in a black box with sparse art and in the lower left hand corner were marked with their respective genres. For example, Clu Clu Land and Super Mario Bros. proudly showcase the "Action Series" sticker while Hogan's Alley features a "Light Gun Series" identifier and so on. The NES had its second major shipment release in February of 1986 with even more titles. Around this time is when the third party publishers started churning out games and had zero desire to slap these stickers on their boxes, so the series idea was scrapped. Among these categories was an "Education Series" and while it more than likely had good intentions and may have had some legs in future titles, it only had one game ever attached to it. Why? By being one of the worst waste of pixels ever to be slapped on a television set.

"I can't believe people actually fucking bought it!"

So here lies before us something tragic by the name of Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Tragic in the sense that a single part of a single tree had to die had to go towards making the label. Tragic that a single moment of electricity was used on a single computer to program it. Tragic that actual workers had to stop the crap that was this game from leaking out and flooding the streets with actual screws. You get the picture. Journalistic integrity in tow, sleeves rolled up and ready to go knuckle-deep into the sewage, it's time to discover what gives this title such a glowing review.

More like calculate how long before this motherfucker gets tossed into traffic.

Upon first glance, this looks like the Donkey Kong Jr. we all know and love but once the, ahem, action gets rolling, that's where the facade begins to quickly unravel. There are 3 modes to "play" but the only difference between A and B are that B uses negative numbers. The gist of it is that Donkey Kong gives you a number and you have to jump to a vine with the desired number (you can only hit one at a time), then travel to the mathmatic symbol you want, then hop to another number, etc, until you have the total Donkey asks for. To break it down, if Donkey gives me the number 77, you have to jump to 9, then the times symbol, then 8, then hop that baby gorilla ass back to the plus sign, then back to the 5 and you "win". That is IT. The game booklet never lets on that it is 2 player only so you have this poor, pathetic looking pink DK Jr. off to the right that does the DKJ spasm and dies when you complete a problem. What the fuck is that? Be great at math so you can slaughter your own kind for giggles and shits? I have to wonder if this game created any heartless super villain-bankers back in '85.

Filicide - The deliberate act of a parent killing their own child. Say it isn't so, Donkey...

The final game mode makes zero sense from any sane perspective. You choose the type of problem you wish to do and Kong presents you with one. Sort of. To solve it, all you need to do is push a block up past the Nitpickers who never seem to touch you and that's the game! This mode can be beaten within 5 minutes, not only by you but by your favorite pet and possibly your favorite shoe as well. I simply can't for the life of me figure out what this mode is supposed to accomplish. If I watch numbers be added for me, it will instill a photographic memory strong enough to always remember what these two numbers added up equal to? Color me fucking stumped because I can't even describe it properly.

.....for the first time ever, I have nothing.....

THE FINAL VERDICT
1/10 Widely regarded as one of the worst launch titles ever for any system and with damned good reason. It probably started out as a decent concept, but something went seriously wonky in the development process. It's hard to believe that Nintendo had no beta testers at the time, but this game just has that smell of being rushed and broken. It killed Donkey Kong Jr. so dead that he wasn't a playable character again until 1992's Super Mario Kart for the SNES. The 1 point is for the decent graphic port of everyone but to go higher than that simply isn't possible.  Brain Age this wasn't. I respect the idea of trying to get the kiddos to mix games and math, but alot of games did so without even trying. Luckily, Dragon Warrior was on its way to force younglings to break out the graph paper and figure out all kinds of fun puzzles and equations and bless Enix for it. As for DKJ Math, they couldn't give this shit away, so it fetches a bit now on the market in one of Mr. Irony Troll's funniest twists ever.

The only time he was let out of the house between his math debacle and Mario Kart was to watch some boxing. Donkey didn't even want to be seen with the poor lil' fella.

WAHOOOOOO!!! MY FIRST PAYCHECK IN 7 YEARS!!! 

Quester Vs. Hogan's Alley (NES)

(Hogan's Alley, October 1985, Nintendo)

Herein lies the zany little life moments that I live for. Going into this review, I pondered how much backstory a simple little light gun Black Box title could possibly have and wound up walking away from my research happily stunned with an information overload. Today, we take a far look back at a game with more links to the past than your favorite little ambigiously aged elf, Hogan's Alley.

Nice touch with the bullet in the logo.

Let's scarf the history right on down because it's always so damned captivating to me. The original Hogan's Alley was presented back in the 1890's and starred one of the very first American comic strip stars, The Yellow Kid. The strip was written and drawn by the famed Richard F. Oucault and featured in the pages of New York World, owned by publisher Joseph Pulitzer, who is presently more well known for the Pultizer Prize, an award for journalistic excellence. The run-down neighborhood where Yellow Kid and the gang did their hooligan/shenanigans thing was named Hogan's Alley and in time was popular enough to be featured on billboards and a ton of merchandise for the era. As with all hot properties, legal wrangling and hilarity ensued between Pulitzer and another famous publisher, William Randolph Hearst over who properly owned the rights, causing the Kid to quietly fade away.

An early strip featuring the original Hogan's Alley. How many video games do you know with roots dating back to the 1890s?

Fast forward to 1920, two years removed from the World War I, and the FBI learned through a survey conducted throughout all major police departments of the country at the time that marksmanship was fast becoming a lost art. Out of the all cities surveyed with over 25,000 residents, only THIRTEEN had credible marksmanship programs. Obviously, surveys that teach us that blind Stormtroopers could out-shoot our asses are bad, therefore, Hogan's Alley was established at Ohio's Camp Perry by the Army and the NRA. So, the beginning of our association with Hogan's Alley and "let's shoot shit" began over 90 years ago.

Have a nice day indeed!

Beginning in 1924, there were national contests held at the camp for sharpshooters and the like. There was no blank ammunition laying around, so what the hell, they opted to use real, live ammo(!) on cardboard cutouts set up around their virtual city, hence why the game's targets are presented as they are. World War II brought an end to the contest due to ammo shortages, but in 1954, the camp re-opened and in 1987, they took it a step further and went absolutely batshit with the idea, creating an actual, living, breathing, working small town for simulated combat.

No. Fucking. Way.

But, ah yes, there IS a game to discuss isn't there? Fair enough! Hogan's Alley was one of the first Light Gun games (or "Zapper" if you will) to be released and like most Black Boxers, was released to the arcades prior to the NES launch date. There are 3 modes you can get your Eliot Ness on with, which seemed to be par for the course for the Zapper series, but who's going to bitch when they could've easily put out one mode and called it good? I'm looking dead at you, Urban Champion.

Trenchcoat flasher gangsters on what appears to be the surface of Mars. MISS!

Game A is your standard, run of the mill 3 target shooter. This would be one of the rare times I rather enjoyed the lack of a musical track because when you're an FBI agent on the creep trying to concentrate, the last thing you need are bouncy chip-tunes screwing up the ambiance. There are 3 types of townsfolk in the sim you can shoot and 3 you can't or else it registers as a MISS! and your game is over at ten of those. The tricky part is that the professor is colored just like a baddie and the grunt with the shotgun is colored like the stand-alone 'stache sporting policeman, so it does take a bit of skill not to accidentally send Professor Minutes-From-Suicide-Any-Damned-Way to hell.

Seriously, look at the sour puss on that professor. Should we shoot out of mercy or not?

My favorite was always Game B. It takes you right into the mythical Hogan's Alley where the gameplay appears trickier and better paced. Still a lack of music except for a groovy little head nodder in between rounds which is fine by me. If you've ever played this mode, my old faithful standbys "fuuuuuck!" and "shiiiiit!" will enter even the cleanest vernacular after you just accidentally pumped poor Miss Nobody full of lead. Second verse, same as the first, 10 misses and it's c'est la vie!

Game B FTW

The third option is a trick shot skill game where your goal is to shoot flying tin cans at certain angles, bouncing them into a side wall containing point values. Not too easy, but not impossible either. When compared to the other 2 modes, this is the one voted most likely to collect virtual dust. Not that it's bad or anything, just rather ho-hum when compared to the first two modes.

About as fun as it looks. A solid 15 seconds of entertainment.

THE FINAL VERDICT
7/10 A truly great launch title that I've always personally enjoyed more than Duck Hunt. Not the popular opinion I know, but three very distinct modes when DH only throws you an extra duck and some clay pigeons makes Hogan's Alley rise above. The controls seem a bit sharper here as well as there aren't as many cases of the ol' "OH BULLSHIT, I SHOT THAT FOR SURE!" going on. Pile those onto one of the deeper, more fascinating histories you'll ever find, and Hogan's Alley is a title that shouldn't ever be looked over.

Nintendo and FBI mash-up!

For more information about the Yellow Kid and the origins of Hogan's Alley, check out Brian Cronin's INCREDIBLE blog at CBR here:
Comic Book Legends Revealed

And hey, Mr. Cronin returned my original shout-out here!
Comic Book Legends - Hogan's Alley

And for the most surreal site I've seen in awhile here is an actual link to the FBI's real life Hogan's Alley. It exists to this day as a training facility and I'd sell my soul to Zarathos to walk through here one good time:
FBI - Hogan's Alley

This one is dedicated to a like-minded, uber-creative, unorthodox hell of an entertaining dude at a crossroads right now. Joe Martin, the world is yours my man. Now shut up, roll up your sleeves, put your head down, and go get the motherfucker. I'll be watching! #positivitylife

Quester Vs. Abobo's Big Adventure (PC)

(Abobo's Big Adventure, January 2012, I-Mockery/PestoForce/Pox Box)

What better way to spend a lazy afternoon is there than with a labor of love crafted by a team of die hard Nintendo junkies that half the world hasn't played yet and the half that has is still picking up pieces of brain matter off the floor? Without a doubt, the greatest homage ever to grace our computer monitors, this isn't just any game, oh fuck no, THIS is Abobo's Big Adventure.

I would send the cutest kitten ever to grace the planet Earth screaming over the Grand Canyon to have this in my living room.

Abobo's Big Adventure was first developed as far back as 2002 by I-Mockery founder Roger Barr, a true NEShead in every possible sense of the word. Side-projects and other ventures caused production to come to a halt until around 2006 when Barr and friends“Pestoforce” and "Pox" restarted the project from scratch, wishing it to feel like more of an 8-bit game than the previous attempt. The team went through the formidable task of playing through the majority of the NES library and jotting down a mind-staggering amount of characters they felt deserved inclusion in the game from household names like Donkey Kong and Little Mac down to the unsung heroes of the era such as Kid Niki and Clash At Demonhead's Tom Guycott. Debuting the first levels at 2009's San Diego Comi-Con, word of mouth of this insane little game-that-could spread like herpes on steroids. After a few years of lugging a custom-made arcade cabinet around the country to keep the momentum going as well as being friendly, approachable non Phil Fish-like dudes, Abobo's Big Adventure was unleashed upon the world on January 11, 2012 for free download to both PC and Macs. Enough of this chatty shit, let's get to the meaty part of this 8-bit taco shall we?

"You rang?"

Right out of the gate, the title screen clues you in that this is going to be a one-of-a-kind experience starring all our old friends we hold warm places for in our hearts. Hearing the familiar Megaman 2 theme as the screen scrolls up the Statue of Liberty to reveal our hero will cause anyone who lived through the era to wax nostalgic automatically. For the uninitiated, Abobo was the one motherfucker in Double Dragon you did NOT want to run into. There are white, black, and even green varieties of this monstrosity and the only way I could ever figure out how to beat the unholy bastard was by jump kicking him 15 times. Yes, to this day I remember precisely how many boots to his oddball face it took. World 3 of Double Dragon turned many a' boy to man when two of these terrifying stuffed sacks of moustachioed muscle tore through a rock wall and commenced to whoopin' that ass but good.

The precise moment in DD where you realize you're totally fucked.

Upon pressing start, the scenario of the game is presented as only awesome 8-bit storytelling could pull off, a vibrant little cutscene informing us of everything we need to know going in. The offspring of our protagonist, Aboboy has been kidnapped and Abobo is so pissed about it that he annihilates a small kitten before you can even control him. This sets the tone for the copius amounts of blood on top of the dark humor liberally spread throughout this epic journey.

This could be the only mode in the game, and this scene alone would put it near my Games of the Year. I've waited over 20 years to rip this worthless excuse of a fighter to shreds.

Eight levels are present throughout, each a spot-on mock-up of a different retro game filled to the brim with more NES characters than could ever be listed. No matter how obscure and unknown a title, I promise you there is someone from your personal favorite nostalgic little grey cart buried in there somewhere. To mention every single cameo in this game would require a list longer than sports stars that have penetrated Kardashian twat, so suffice it to say, they are here.

If this is surreal enough to make you triple-take it, the ENTIRE game is like this. It's virtually a playable who's who of the 8-bit dynasty.

The graphics perfectly represent the games parodied and even more impressive, the controls are DEAD ON. If you replaced the real Balloon Fighter in his original game with Abobo, it would without question feel exactly the same. It is a testament to the passion the development team had for the source material to have emulated it to this degree. Sound effects are just as incredible and sharp-eared retro fanatics will wear a permanent grin at the little touches they put in ranging from Soda Popinski's laughter to the Excitebiker's revving engines. The part I am having the most difficult to rate is the game's challenge as it all depends on how much you played the originals they were based on. If you are a Punch-Out enthusiast like myself who has easily thrown down hundreds of hours dodging and counter-punching, the final sequence may not prove so taxing, but if you never spent one minute inside Little Mac's shoes back in the day, I can understand why that stage would just destroy a novice with the quickness.

God of War II's Colossus of Rhodes be damned! THIS is the definition of an epic battle! Oh my...the map...

If that wasn't enough to sell anyone reading to download this about ten sentences ago, Abobo's Big Adventure is the funniest game of its kind, bar none. From getting to seperate the Urban Champion's head from his torso Mortal Kombat style, Amazon of Pro Wrestling fame taunting you throughout an entire level in ways that would make Handsome Jack proud, or the greatest ending scene a game has ever sported, the laugh out loud moments are as non-stop and rapid-fire as Team Abobo could've possibly thrown them in. Cutscenes are hellacious romps through 8-bit memories and it wasn't above the creators to toss a little non-NES humor around as well. They completely owned me with the Johnny 5 is alive line and that's just one of a butt-sack of tremendous gags.

Words escape me for how awesome these non-stop moments become. Even if stricken with Alzheimer's to the point of forgetting my own name, I'm sure I'll be able to recall Abobo vs Donkey Kong.

The crowning achievement of this magnum opus is the replayability. Every new playthrough will produce moments that went unnoticed on previous conquerings. I've beaten this more times than NFL players have been to court this year, but never fail to catch new things, For example when playing the real Contra, I avoid the "L" power-up like Perez Hilton avoids pussy, but picked it up accidentally only to find the fucker fired LEMMINGS across the screen. It's those magic moments that make this the cream of the crop and the measuring stick that retro themed titles that followed only wish they could pull off. Medals are even thrown in the mix for the current gen feel of trophies or achievements and getting them all becomes the most exciting war of attrition between you and your PC controller you'll have for a long time.

No pink hoodie bullshit here, Abobo trains like a MAN.

THE FINAL VERDICT
10/10 Don't rub your eyes or rush to come down off of whatever hallucinogen you may have taken this morning with your coffee, that is the fabled perfect score. As a game, Abobo's Big Adventure gets the full monty. As a love-in for The Big N, it surpasses anything you've ever seen before or since. If you've never taken the time to marvel at this jewel of a game, put down the CoD, Halo, and Destiny for a day and prepare to have your brain blown right through your ass. The bar has been set and it would take a modern day miracle for anyone else to come close. Abobo's Big Adventure deserves to go down as one of the greatest games in any decade, any genre, and on any system.

Quester Vs. Clu Clu Land (NES)

(Clu Clu Land, October 1985, Nintendo)

Today, we will explore one of the stranger titles in the NES library. An oddball of a game that you'll either love unconditionally or find yourself experimenting with the terminal velocity of grey plastic against concrete. Either way, let's dig our questing claws into the quirky Clu Clu Land.

Clu Clu is a rough translation of "Kuru Kuru", a Japanese sound effect for "around and around" in the way Americans use "Woof Woof"

First things first, we need to discuss the curious box art on display. If you were a wide-eyed young'un wishing to rent a new game, what the holiest of holyshits would you think Clu Clu Land is about if you hadn't seen it in the arcades prior? It looks like two Rupees in between a fried egg to the left and to the right, an entry level graphic designer's interpretation of Mr.Krabs holding another egg balanced Rupee. All the while, mentally communicating with Professor Xavier via a 1960's psychic wave-like graphic. In other words, not the first fucking clue what is going on with this box. Ironically enough, this is, in fact, the sprite that was reused for the famous currency forever associated with the Zelda series.

Unlike the NA version, the Famicom box art perfectly illustrates everything you need to know before popping it in.

Campfire, story time, marshmallows, here we go. The hero is a female fish by the name of Bubbles, who is on a mission to recover stolen gold ingots from the Unira, themselves a rag-tag theiving bunch of sea urchin. Without the game manual, I'd have no idea that Bubbles was anything close to aquatic. However, she's fairly badass in her own way because of her handy extendable arms that grab onto poles and turn in the direction of your momentum. Trust me on this, Nintendo didn't make it easy. Quite a few obstacles are present, from evil black holes ready to gobble you up to bouncy walls that will gleefully shoot you noggin first to your demise but your main enemy in this game? The fucking timer. You think World 8-1 of Super Mario Bros. forced you to haul ass through a level? This game's timer is an unforgivable bastard and even if you perish, it refuses to reset, meaning that within seconds of coming back to life, say goodbye to another precious life.

Clu Clu Land will release every "fuck this shit!" emotion you've stored away since birth.

The easiest comparison to make would be Pac-Man but in a curiously reverse sort of sense. Picture Pac-Man's mazes, however instead of grabbing power pellets, you need to pass by to uncover them while incapacitating those pesky Unira. Recover all the coins of a level (normally creating a picture of some sort) and you are rewarded with your next unrelenting phase inside sea urchin hell.

Weeee alllll live in a yellow submarine...

The graphics are the normal bright, vibrant fare present in most of the launch games. However, unlike a few of the debut titles, there is never so much going on that you lose track of Bubbles as well as the Unira never blending in to the background, thankfully cutting down on more cheap Bubbles-death. My personal favorite part of Clu Clu Land has to be the great Akito Nakatsuka's (Excitebike, Devil World, Zelda II) music compositions. The tunes are as bouncy and spirited as anything else he ever did and when you continue to play a game just to hear the music? That is a win, my friends.

Nintendo R&D1 sure did love those red/green multiplayer color schemes didn't they?

Bad news for anyone hoping for two straight perfect scores, the controls can only be described as the drizzling shits. Even after ninety minutes of constant play, a simple left turn could be a total bitch to perform at times. The pacing of the levels is quite wonky as well. Some stages, Bubbles moves at a normal pace and others, Bubbles appears to have been hitting the speedpipe during the bonus score screen. Your only offensive weapon is described in the manual as a "sound wave" that paralyzes the Unira, enabling Bubbles to shove them into the whirlpools. Successfully pulling it off is another matter entirely, as either the controls will burn you, or you won't have enough time to even consider screwing with it. In other frustrating news, Clu Clu becomes impossible around level 12, as it is required to go over the coins twice for the reveal. Never one to shy from the impossible, I stuck with it and was compensated with levels where once the coin was uncovered, Bubbles couldn't touch it again or it flipped over and didn't count. Freaking sadists.

Bubbles would apparently go on to much greater fame as Meatwad of ATHF.

FINAL VERDICT
7/10
Even with the insane learning curve for the controls and a difficulty that is underrated among the legendary early NES titles, there is nothing about Clu Clu beyond the unfair timer to hate. At it's best, Clu Clu Land was pretty addicting and there lies a real sense of pride and accomplishment when the level's picture is revealed. As stated at the start, this is definitely a love it or hate it type of game.

Right round, like a record, baby.

So, where has Bubbles been all these years? She has popped up over the years in various places. The most well-known would be as a trophy in SSBM, but everyone from the Black Box era is represented there so no suprise. Bubble's most prominent role since her debut was as a hidden character in the GBA game Donkey Kong : King Of Swing, in itself a sort of re-working of Clu Clu Land. Along with Ms. Pac-Man, she would be also be one of the earliest female starring roles in gaming which makes me wonder why more people aren't aware of this game? Probably the goddamned box art. Thankfully, Clu Clu Land in all its glory can be found in the recent NES Remix series.

BRING BACK BUBBLES!

Picture credit:
"Rageman", courtesy of Jayson Gaddis

BEYOND THE CONTROLLER - Dan Tearle

Long, drawn out intro be damned today! Ready or not, cats and kittens, Beyond The Controller returns like your most embarrassing dream (half empty) or like that dirty sock you misplaced months ago (half full).

Strap in folks! This edition will take us into the mind of Dan Tearle, a prolific gaming and sports artist who raises the bar with every stunning new piece he produces. Born and raised in England, Mr. Tearle has always enjoyed a fascination with the pixels and colorful reflex tests we all know and love called video games as well as a love for the culture, scores, and characters of the scene.

Mr. Tearle keeping those drawing hands loose!

Welcome to the virtual couch Dan! First question I like to ask of everyone is what would be your earliest gaming memory?

Thanks Mike! Awesome to be interviewed by your good self! My earliest memory of gaming starts in a bowling alley in Kent, where they had a cabaret Pac-Man sandwiched between a Gorf and an Astro Blaster machine. Some adults were hogging the Pac-Man machine, very excitable and laughing with faux hysterics at each lost man. Once they'd cleared off, I managed to have a look myself, and things were never the same again. Pac-Man was the first arcade game I ever played. I owe that little yellow guy a LOT for the good things that have happened since.

We all owe that little yellow dude the world don't we? Seeing some of your impressive accolades, what would you consider to be some of your most treasured memories of your adventures in art up to this point, both from the sports end and the gaming end?

With regard to the sports art, I think giving artwork to some former NFL players that I grew up with has been a big thrill, receiving nice messages of thanks and such. One of my best memories was being invited to submit a painting for an exhibition in Indianapolis a few years back by the National Art Museum of Sport - the Super Bowl was being held there that year, and to be one of the only 'overseas' artists to be invited was huge, personally. To know that thousands saw my work, even in passing was a great thing. On the gaming art side, I haven't been doing it for that long, but the response has perhaps been even better than from me plugging away for years at sports. Scott Patterson shared one of my pieces on Facebook and named me as a 'video games artist'-that really stuck with me, and made me think, you know, that's right - I am, and this is what I want to do more of now. I'd been so preoccupied with sports for so long that I'd not thought about the most obvious thing for me to try, something I love, know a little bit about, and is something that nearly everyone can relate to in some way. So I have Scott to thank for that. One little comment can really change your goals. The other thing I have to mention of course is the work I've done for Walter Day's trading cards. The response for those, and encouragement and incredible positivity felt from that project has been amazingly motivating and rewarding. And the best part is, it's still happening, and I am enjoying it immensely.

Keeping with your artwork, I was amazed when I recently discovered that you were self-taught. That's some hell of a kind of natural talent you have on display there. Have you ever taken any classes later in life to study new techniques and expand what you learned on your lonesome?

Completely self taught - which isn't always a good thing. I do think that if I'd studied art more, the peaks I'm reaching currently could have been reached a long time before. I'm a slow burner! Whether I'll improve more, who knows? I may have reached the plateau of my abilities. But, I took my first classes last year. I wanted to learn to be better with the airbrush, and so took a class with one of the greatest airbrush artists you'll ever see, Dru Blair. That experience was probably one of the greatest things to happen within my art life, because I learned so much about aspects of art I'd never even considered. It definitely pushed my ability envelope.

It seems as though lately your work seemingly pops up when you least expect it in the public eye. A recent example would be the magnificent Joe Montana piece that started showing up on newsfeeds around the world. Does it feel you with a sense of pride that people would see your art as such a seminal piece they would use it freely to express their love for the subject or does it feel more like a ripping of your work? I ask because I've spoken to people on both sides of the fence and would like your take.

That's tough because I'm hardly a household name in any field of art. SO my view on this is that it's fine with me, it's flattering. I look on Tumblr and Pinterest and sites like that and often see my work. Sometimes it's credited to me, sometimes not. People use my artwork as their profile pictures (weird) or page headers. It's cool. I can see how people get pissed as well, but on the whole, I don't mind a bit.

Rolling with that, where did your love for American football begin? Was it something always available for viewing in the UK or did it take some serious hunting to feed those certain passion demons?

It began to air here in the UK regularly around 1982-ish - we had a time delayed highlight show on a Sunday night and that was about it. It was actually a couple of years later I discovered it myself, literally by accident, randomly flicking the TV over to it. I was absolutely struck by the colour, speed and controlled violence of the game. At a time when football (sorry, soccer ;-) was at a low ebb in this country, NFL was a welcome distraction. We've had coverage of some kind now for over thirty years which is amazing for what was considered a fad sport. To feed our passions, if it wasn't on TV, we'd tune our radios to the Armed Forces Network to listen to Monday night games, literally sitting with a portable radio in bed. That was commitment! Now we have as much, if not more coverage than some US states. Amazing how things have turned out.

That's awesome. We'll talk more gaming for a bit. Since we each share a mutual love of Ralph Bauer (The genius who invented the Simon as well as the system that became the Magnavox Odyssey among other wonders), do you currently see any new gaming trends that could be the next big game changers in the industry as Mr. Bauer, Nolan Bushnell, and Shigeru Miyamoto introduced in their respective periods?

Good question. First off let me mention Mr. Bauer, I don't think he gets anywhere enough credit for what he did and it's surprising how many folks aren't aware of his contributions to the development of games and electronics today. He was as much of a pioneer as anyone, yet rarely gets mentioned in the same light. Whether we like it or not, mobile gaming is the next big game changer I think. With the advance of portable capabilities, and the accessiblity to develop for these fast growing platforms, I think we're seeing something reminiscent of the 'bedroom coders' of the very early eighties. It's an exciting time for young and independant developers, because I do think the console arena is becoming a little stale. (shock!)

With your work ethic and superior skillset, the sky is the limit. So, my next question is what are the dreams of Dan Tearle? As in, what are your future goals as far as how high you'd like to climb the sky?

Right now, I'm concentrating on building the 'Vintage Gamer Art' portfolio and brand. If I can do that, and bring some cool creativity and make people smile looking at renditions of how we all were as kids, well, I'll be happy with that. That and some ridiculously good offer to do this stuff for a living of course. I'd also like to finish the book I've been co-writing for a good while, the stories from British arcades in the 80's. That's a project I wish I had more time for. Aside from that, my dream (and daft as it sounds, I've truly dreamt about this happening) would be to open a true classic gaming arcade, here in England, built by someone who lives for the damn machines day in day out and can help people of a certain *ahem* age really relive their youth. If I could do it, I would, and never rule out that one day, I might be able to.

Another question I like to ask that never gets old no matter how many times I ask it. What would be a title you absolutely love but no matter how many years and how many miles you put on it, you are past horrible at?

My gaming nemesis for years has been Defender. I love everything about it, yet have always struggled to be anything but mediocre at it. I've played it more in the past year than any time, and I guess I've improved a little, but it still has the ability to totally and utterly kick my ass on a regular basis. But I adore that game.

Flipping the coin! What games create the proper releasing of midochlorians, bestowing onto any and all witnesses your true Jedi prowess. (Good God Quester, just ask him what games he is good at. Sheesh. Pompous ass.)

Lol! There are many games I feel I'm adequate at, if not brilliant. But some games that I feel are my strongest are Robotron and Star Wars. I've also always had a bit of a thing for Bubble Bobble and Bank Panic (Not many people know that!) Robotron is the one I really put time into, and whilst again, I'm never going to marathon it, it's one I feel I'm pretty good at. Note that these are all arcade titles, they're just what I spend the most time playing. Home titles, I was good at some pretty obscure ones in the past, whether I would be now, is another story completely!

Due to our difference in release schedules in the 90's between countries, what would you say is the best game your part of the world got over there that we never received for whatever reason? I was jealous that you all got a third part of the Soul Blazer/Illusion of Gaia trilogy that I didn't get to play until a decade later.

There was a stack of brilliant to bad home computer releases that were Euro only, which are still popular today in this country (Dizzy series for example). A game that stands out nods to my arcade tendencies completely, was Dropzone on the SNES. Dropzone was a Defender clone, and the mechanics and feel of that game were just pure arcade. It was better known on home computer systems, but I was intrigued by the SNES version a while ago as I'd forgotten just how much I like that game.

Everyone enjoy the calm before the storm while you can. Ready? Here goes. Montana or Peyton?

Montana all day every day. Still my hero. But, I appreciate I'm blessed to have seen both of them play in their prime (I really like Peyton too, but Joe is the G.O.A.T). I can't see that creating much of a storm...

Americans tend to get rabid with discussions such as that at times. So, you've just about made it off the comfy confines of my imaginary couch. Congratulations on all your success so far and I know we're going to see more levels of amazing in the future. Before you go, one more if I may. In your opinion, what is one thing you would like to see more of in England as far as gaming is concerned currently.

This is a question that holds so much meaning for me. Because so many like arcade gaming, but the hardware just isn't readily available. When it does appear, it's so badly overpriced and people jump on any classic cab - heaven forbid if it's in good working order. I wish so much that there were more machines here, more classically themed arcades...they were here once, and I'd like to see it again. The gaming 'community' here is as enthusiastic, skilled and knowledgable as anyone in the world; but man do we look on in envy at the rest of the world when it comes to availability of games, prices of hardware and ways to see these things again. The arcade in England is nigh on dead, and I'd like to do something about it.

That wraps it this puppy up gang! The biggest thank you to Mr. Dan Tearle for participating in the old, yet new and still mint in box interview series Beyond The Controller and if you'd like your head blown clean off by more of his art sorcery, check him out at

Vintage Gamer Art

and

Dan Tearle's Sports Art

You can also follow Dan on Twitter @RetroDan16

I've told Dan that I enjoy this piece so much that I am cosplaying it the next time I spot a Robotron machine. So not kidding. 

THANKS FOR READING!

Quester Vs. Super Mario Bros. (NES)

(Super Mario Bros, October 1985, Nintendo)

Perfection. That is perhaps the only proper word created to describe Shigeru Miyamoto, Takashi "Ten Ten" Tezuka, and Koji Kondo's realized vision of a sequel to the original worldwide hit Mario Bros. When it comes to the original "Black Box" titles, none come close to this magical tale that whisked many a young mind far off into a land unlike any we had ever seen before. Super Mario Bros. Perfection.

Hail to the king, baby.

One intresting factoid of note is that SMB (as I will refer to it henceforth) was actually created as kind of a "goodbye" to the original Famicom system to make way for the Famicom Disk System, this huge motherfucker of a contraption that fit in underneath the original Famicom. The Famicom (FAMIly COMputer), for the uninitiated, is the Japanese version of the NES with little differences such as controllers hard-wired into the console and different sized cartidges. Little did they know that this platform/shooter they were working on (yes, a freakin' shooter!) would become the landmark of a generation. Thankfully, we were spared "CoD Mario" as the A button could only be mapped to either jump or shoot. Alas, cooler heads prevailed and a-jumping we all went!

Then again...so...close...

As for the story, when you say it out loud, it sounds like you may have just left the Guggenheim with Tim Leary on enough LSD to actually meet God. At the base level, it's two dudes saving a princess from an evil dragon. That's where the conventional game logic ends and the kick-assery hits full throttle. Those aforementioned "dudes" turn out to be two plumbers who starred in the previous title (Mario Bros, 'natch) who eat magic mushrooms, jump like Lebron on a sugar high and throw fireballs without incinerating their gloves. There were power-ups in games before but one that doubled your size to where it affected gameplay? Another that shot fire out of your hands? How about one that transforms you into an invincible Goomba destroying machine? Never before had anyone seen anything like this and it captivated us all.

"Why does it smell like Burger King in here all of a sudden?"

Each of the 8 worlds is split into 4 stages, with the fourth being a castle controlled by a fake version of Bowser until World 8 when it is go time against the true King of Koopas. The stages are greatly varied with only two of the 32 total stages being re-hashes of previous ones. My personal favorite as a young 'un is what I called "The Void" because it was a creepy greyscale version of 1-3 and was a self-reward for not warping. It was the perfect adventure for young gamers, you ran full speed through grassy plains, battled your way through dark, atmospheric caves, taught yourself how to swim Nintendo-style and tried not to have a heart attack while avoiding flying fish and shit-kicking beetles the whole way.

Enter The Void. Enter 6-3.

Let's not forget the music. Holy mother of all things holy, the music. Everyone, and I mean everyone knows the Mario 1-1 tune (officially named "Ground Theme") created by Mr. Kondo. When you consider the fact that his ringtone royalties for that one theme have him set for life, it is staggering, considering he also did work on an obscure, known-to-very-few project titled The Legend of Zelda. No bullshit and with all seriousness, I've done this and feel free to try yourself, you can walk practically anywhere, start whistling the Mario Theme and someone, somewhere will follow suit. It is akin to a gamer handshake. We only know it for what it is and if you had informed me as a kid "Hey, that's a Calypso beat with steel drums!", you would've received a glare as if you had just hangover puked on my feet while I was wearing flip-flops. Calypso my super-sized, happy ass, that's the Mario Theme, plain and simple.

 'Ey! I made-a my face!

The controls couldn't be more of a dream. When you die, and you will on your first rodeo, pick your head up little soldier and try, try again, because it was totally your own fault. Stages requiring you to swim have somewhat of a learning curve admittedly, but aren't overly frustrating to pick up on. The truly awe inspiring part of it is that, at the time, this team was creating the mold as they went and did so in ways that would re-define gaming forever. Sure, you had Metroid, Zelda and Contra among others that were just as great in their own regards, but there is just something about Mario that can't be definitively described, but I'll give it the old school try...

FUN FACT: Both development teams over the years have confirmed that Balloon Fight's flight and SMB's swimming controls are exactly the same.

You are CONSTANTLY doing something in Super Mario Bros. Take World 1-1 alone, you meet the Goombas, Koopas, Mushrooms, 1-Up, Fire Flower, Star Man, break blocks for hidden goodies, keep watch on your coin counter, make sure you beat the timer, duck down atop of every pipe in existence with hope and try to figure out how in the sharkshit you just caused fireworks to appear after grabbing the end level flag. THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL! That doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of unlocking the rest of the secrets and rumors that I tested immediately after school via playground scuttlebutt due to no internet in the early '80s. Most of these hot topics were hogwash, but a few turned out to be fact. Secrets that turned out to be real include the -1 World, an infinite water stage loop that I never thought was real until Nintendo Power proved me wrong. One of the funniest things I've read on the subject was an interview with Mr. Miyamoto about an Infinite 1-Up trick at the end of 3-1. When asked about the glitch, he replied that there wasn't one. It was purposefully inserted and when it started popping up in magazines, he couldn't believe that people had figured it out.

The Hammer Brothers of 8-3 are one of the earlier reasons for my ongoing insanity.

The only negative I can even remotely find with this masterpiece is the way two player is set up. When beginning the game, if you are playing as Luigi, it is required to wait patiently while casting spells in your mind for Mario to die. To put it in a more clear way, if the person playing Mario was good, feel free to go to your favorite store, take a shit, balance your checkbook, develop a written language with your highly evolved Sea Monkeys, make a fully functioning house out of LEGOs and THEN it MIGHT be your turn. In one of those weird "I'd never think anyone else would do this but me" type of deals, I used to boot up 2 player, immediately feed Mario to an eager Goomba, and rock the whole game as Luigi. Recently, I spoke to two other people who admitted to doing the same. Tremendous.

"Fuck waiting"

Super Mario Bros is the definitive benchmark of the early Nintendo titles and still must be conquered by yours truly a few times a year. In an era where acheivements were real trophys on your dresser, noone cared which voice actors were used and "X Box" was more likely to be the name of a seedy porn store on Westheimer, Super Mario Bros was the king. It has been ported and thrown on more Nintendo systems than just about any other game besides Tetris and shows no signs of ever slowing in its popularity among both retro gamers and the new and curious alike.

The first round of many between these foes of legend.

FINAL VERDICT
10/10
No other way this one was going. Playing Super Mario Bros is mandatory.

One day, we'll go over Super Mario Bros. 2 Japan, a.k.a. Suicide Watch, a.k.a. Satan's Asshole, a.k.a. Fuck This Shit, I Quit. Strictly for the sadists.

Picture credits:
"Gun Mario", courtesy of Nin-Styles
"Zombie Luigi", courtesy of GameRanx
"Fire Glove", courtesy of magic52.com

Special Thanks to:
Joey Schmidt
NibMuk