Quester Vs. Clu Clu Land (NES)

(Clu Clu Land, October 1985, Nintendo)

Today, we will explore one of the stranger titles in the NES library. An oddball of a game that you'll either love unconditionally or find yourself experimenting with the terminal velocity of grey plastic against concrete. Either way, let's dig our questing claws into the quirky Clu Clu Land.

Clu Clu is a rough translation of "Kuru Kuru", a Japanese sound effect for "around and around" in the way Americans use "Woof Woof"

First things first, we need to discuss the curious box art on display. If you were a wide-eyed young'un wishing to rent a new game, what the holiest of holyshits would you think Clu Clu Land is about if you hadn't seen it in the arcades prior? It looks like two Rupees in between a fried egg to the left and to the right, an entry level graphic designer's interpretation of Mr.Krabs holding another egg balanced Rupee. All the while, mentally communicating with Professor Xavier via a 1960's psychic wave-like graphic. In other words, not the first fucking clue what is going on with this box. Ironically enough, this is, in fact, the sprite that was reused for the famous currency forever associated with the Zelda series.

Unlike the NA version, the Famicom box art perfectly illustrates everything you need to know before popping it in.

Campfire, story time, marshmallows, here we go. The hero is a female fish by the name of Bubbles, who is on a mission to recover stolen gold ingots from the Unira, themselves a rag-tag theiving bunch of sea urchin. Without the game manual, I'd have no idea that Bubbles was anything close to aquatic. However, she's fairly badass in her own way because of her handy extendable arms that grab onto poles and turn in the direction of your momentum. Trust me on this, Nintendo didn't make it easy. Quite a few obstacles are present, from evil black holes ready to gobble you up to bouncy walls that will gleefully shoot you noggin first to your demise but your main enemy in this game? The fucking timer. You think World 8-1 of Super Mario Bros. forced you to haul ass through a level? This game's timer is an unforgivable bastard and even if you perish, it refuses to reset, meaning that within seconds of coming back to life, say goodbye to another precious life.

Clu Clu Land will release every "fuck this shit!" emotion you've stored away since birth.

The easiest comparison to make would be Pac-Man but in a curiously reverse sort of sense. Picture Pac-Man's mazes, however instead of grabbing power pellets, you need to pass by to uncover them while incapacitating those pesky Unira. Recover all the coins of a level (normally creating a picture of some sort) and you are rewarded with your next unrelenting phase inside sea urchin hell.

Weeee alllll live in a yellow submarine...

The graphics are the normal bright, vibrant fare present in most of the launch games. However, unlike a few of the debut titles, there is never so much going on that you lose track of Bubbles as well as the Unira never blending in to the background, thankfully cutting down on more cheap Bubbles-death. My personal favorite part of Clu Clu Land has to be the great Akito Nakatsuka's (Excitebike, Devil World, Zelda II) music compositions. The tunes are as bouncy and spirited as anything else he ever did and when you continue to play a game just to hear the music? That is a win, my friends.

Nintendo R&D1 sure did love those red/green multiplayer color schemes didn't they?

Bad news for anyone hoping for two straight perfect scores, the controls can only be described as the drizzling shits. Even after ninety minutes of constant play, a simple left turn could be a total bitch to perform at times. The pacing of the levels is quite wonky as well. Some stages, Bubbles moves at a normal pace and others, Bubbles appears to have been hitting the speedpipe during the bonus score screen. Your only offensive weapon is described in the manual as a "sound wave" that paralyzes the Unira, enabling Bubbles to shove them into the whirlpools. Successfully pulling it off is another matter entirely, as either the controls will burn you, or you won't have enough time to even consider screwing with it. In other frustrating news, Clu Clu becomes impossible around level 12, as it is required to go over the coins twice for the reveal. Never one to shy from the impossible, I stuck with it and was compensated with levels where once the coin was uncovered, Bubbles couldn't touch it again or it flipped over and didn't count. Freaking sadists.

Bubbles would apparently go on to much greater fame as Meatwad of ATHF.

FINAL VERDICT
7/10
Even with the insane learning curve for the controls and a difficulty that is underrated among the legendary early NES titles, there is nothing about Clu Clu beyond the unfair timer to hate. At it's best, Clu Clu Land was pretty addicting and there lies a real sense of pride and accomplishment when the level's picture is revealed. As stated at the start, this is definitely a love it or hate it type of game.

Right round, like a record, baby.

So, where has Bubbles been all these years? She has popped up over the years in various places. The most well-known would be as a trophy in SSBM, but everyone from the Black Box era is represented there so no suprise. Bubble's most prominent role since her debut was as a hidden character in the GBA game Donkey Kong : King Of Swing, in itself a sort of re-working of Clu Clu Land. Along with Ms. Pac-Man, she would be also be one of the earliest female starring roles in gaming which makes me wonder why more people aren't aware of this game? Probably the goddamned box art. Thankfully, Clu Clu Land in all its glory can be found in the recent NES Remix series.

BRING BACK BUBBLES!

Picture credit:
"Rageman", courtesy of Jayson Gaddis