(Donkey Kong Jr. Math, October 1985, Nintendo)
It was bound to happen again someday. Time to review a good old fashioned stinker. Not just any light stinker, oh hell-to-the-fuck no. We're talking a post-Taco Bell chased by black coffee with a Taco Bell for dessert brand of five alarm stinker. Light a candle and say a prayer because here is the unwashed skidmark of the Black Box games, Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Heaven help us.
Let's all share an innocent smile before all Hell breaks loose no? AW!!!
First, a quick overview by what I mean by Black Box since not everyone is keen what it refers to. Allow me. Due to the infamous "Crash of '83", no one was even willing to entertain the thought of selling home game consoles in the foreseeable future. Therefore, Nintendo, steadfast in their resolve to enter American homes, changed the name of the Nintendo Family Computer (Famicom for short, or the Japanese NES) instead to an "entertainment system" before showing it to the CES big wigs of the time. How they actually pulled it off smoothly enough for a launch when it is obviously a game console, I'll never understand. Nonetheless, The Nintendo Entertainment System shipped out in small quantities on October 18, 1985 in selected areas of New York City. On that magical day of the initial launch, there were eighteen titles ready to rock and roll. They all came in a black box with sparse art and in the lower left hand corner were marked with their respective genres. For example, Clu Clu Land and Super Mario Bros. proudly showcase the "Action Series" sticker while Hogan's Alley features a "Light Gun Series" identifier and so on. The NES had its second major shipment release in February of 1986 with even more titles. Around this time is when the third party publishers started churning out games and had zero desire to slap these stickers on their boxes, so the series idea was scrapped. Among these categories was an "Education Series" and while it more than likely had good intentions and may have had some legs in future titles, it only had one game ever attached to it. Why? By being one of the worst waste of pixels ever to be slapped on a television set.
"I can't believe people actually fucking bought it!"
So here lies before us something tragic by the name of Donkey Kong Jr. Math. Tragic in the sense that a single part of a single tree had to die had to go towards making the label. Tragic that a single moment of electricity was used on a single computer to program it. Tragic that actual workers had to stop the crap that was this game from leaking out and flooding the streets with actual screws. You get the picture. Journalistic integrity in tow, sleeves rolled up and ready to go knuckle-deep into the sewage, it's time to discover what gives this title such a glowing review.
More like calculate how long before this motherfucker gets tossed into traffic.
Upon first glance, this looks like the Donkey Kong Jr. we all know and love but once the, ahem, action gets rolling, that's where the facade begins to quickly unravel. There are 3 modes to "play" but the only difference between A and B are that B uses negative numbers. The gist of it is that Donkey Kong gives you a number and you have to jump to a vine with the desired number (you can only hit one at a time), then travel to the mathmatic symbol you want, then hop to another number, etc, until you have the total Donkey asks for. To break it down, if Donkey gives me the number 77, you have to jump to 9, then the times symbol, then 8, then hop that baby gorilla ass back to the plus sign, then back to the 5 and you "win". That is IT. The game booklet never lets on that it is 2 player only so you have this poor, pathetic looking pink DK Jr. off to the right that does the DKJ spasm and dies when you complete a problem. What the fuck is that? Be great at math so you can slaughter your own kind for giggles and shits? I have to wonder if this game created any heartless super villain-bankers back in '85.
Filicide - The deliberate act of a parent killing their own child. Say it isn't so, Donkey...
The final game mode makes zero sense from any sane perspective. You choose the type of problem you wish to do and Kong presents you with one. Sort of. To solve it, all you need to do is push a block up past the Nitpickers who never seem to touch you and that's the game! This mode can be beaten within 5 minutes, not only by you but by your favorite pet and possibly your favorite shoe as well. I simply can't for the life of me figure out what this mode is supposed to accomplish. If I watch numbers be added for me, it will instill a photographic memory strong enough to always remember what these two numbers added up equal to? Color me fucking stumped because I can't even describe it properly.
.....for the first time ever, I have nothing.....
THE FINAL VERDICT
1/10 Widely regarded as one of the worst launch titles ever for any system and with damned good reason. It probably started out as a decent concept, but something went seriously wonky in the development process. It's hard to believe that Nintendo had no beta testers at the time, but this game just has that smell of being rushed and broken. It killed Donkey Kong Jr. so dead that he wasn't a playable character again until 1992's Super Mario Kart for the SNES. The 1 point is for the decent graphic port of everyone but to go higher than that simply isn't possible. Brain Age this wasn't. I respect the idea of trying to get the kiddos to mix games and math, but alot of games did so without even trying. Luckily, Dragon Warrior was on its way to force younglings to break out the graph paper and figure out all kinds of fun puzzles and equations and bless Enix for it. As for DKJ Math, they couldn't give this shit away, so it fetches a bit now on the market in one of Mr. Irony Troll's funniest twists ever.
The only time he was let out of the house between his math debacle and Mario Kart was to watch some boxing. Donkey didn't even want to be seen with the poor lil' fella.
WAHOOOOOO!!! MY FIRST PAYCHECK IN 7 YEARS!!!
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